Getting Secure

I read a piece by a different Sam in the SMH that has got me thinking. It was a piece on jealousy, and one of the experts quoted it in argued that people, men in particular, feel sexual jealousy when they are sexually insecure.

This got me thinking about other pathological emotions, and wondering if they stem from insecurity as well. Lately I've been worried on a few occasions that I'm coming across as psychotically needy. We all know how attractive that is in a new friend, right? So I've been trying to carry on and hide it but it would be nice if the feeling would go away altogether. What insecurity could be behind the neediness? The worry that I don't deserve anyone's attention, I think. I should stop worrying about that, and then I wouldn't be so dependent on attention, and then friendships could just unfold however. I'm probably losing attention I could otherwise get by needing it so much (isn't it cruel how life works like that?).

I've been hesitant to go out and get acquainted because I've been feeling like I couldn't handle any crazy people right now. So I've been telling myself I've been being selective, but really I'm probably just being afraid. If I lose the insecurity, I will probably be centered and strong enough inside that I can be open to people without worrying that somehow their craziness will pull out my core and destroy me.

And the sunglasses. We had a cold snap today and I was walking around in sunglasses and my Matrix leather coat, and feeling very rock and roll, and was scowling at the very nice Midwest people in the Walgreens parking lot, and remembered again that thing I know, that I put the sunglasses on and act all rock and roll when I'm hurt inside.

So, what's hurt? I think I've been battered a bit by a project at work that's not going well. By the politics and the obfuscation of excellence. And I've just done a really hard thing moving here, too, and it's not actually really getting done. Change, loss, doubt, hard work, courage, all those things take a toll.

If I could get secure, I could be open. I wouldn't have to scowl behind glasses, I could just smile at people, and not risk everything.

I'll get there. Knowing you have a problem is the first step.