Sunday night reset

I had planned to spend the whole weekend working hard, per the predictions in my horoscope. Day 1, house stuff - deep cleaning, including the scary bathtub in my ensuite bathroom; and then Day 2, work stuff - actually do some of the time-consuming tasks that I have too many meetings on work days to get done, and process a few things that are waiting on me for approvals or routing.

I did hardly anything. I feel like I spent all the time, but more or less everything is still exactly where it was on Friday.

I did the dishes, which needed doing, and even did another lot of dishes, but now there are dishes in the sink again, a new lot of dishes. I did laundry, but forgot the last load which was towels, and they're just finishing spinning now and still need to go in the dryer.

I took my new amplifier out of the box, and plugged both my guitar and the headphones into it, and it's really fun, I tell you. The very first preset is a very rock and rolly one, with lots of distortion, and when you finish a chord it echoes like you're in a very large concert hall. I practiced the open chords and a few power chords again, and am anxious to learn a whole song soon. So that's something.

I took my work computer to a coffee shop downtown, because they have wireless, and I thought I could do work stuff there. I could not. I could see my work calendar, but couldn't get to anything through a browser. I'm sure there are some instructions saved on my machine somewhere, and I did it wrong, but in the end I did nothing, just turned it on and off again, had a coffee and muffin, and moved on.

Rather than coming home I went to see a movie, that "Nick and Norah" one. I'd heard good reviews, but it was basically a teen film about courtship in that awkward time of life when you're still in high school. And I can't believe New York high schoolers get up to as much and stay out as late as these kids did. Especially with the drinking age being 21 and thus probably the entrance age for all the clubs. I was 45 minutes early for the next showing of the movie, and I didn't have anything to read or anything to write on with me, so I just sat and ate a whole thing of popcorn before the previews even started.

One other thing I did this evening instead of unpacking boxes or doing work work was to watch an hour-long show on TLC about people with hoarding disorders. Looked from the rooms on the screen, full to the ceiling with racks and storage boxes and piles of stuff, slightly to each side, to my big towering piles of boxes that I can't seem to do anything about. A psychological expert on the show said that the hoarders all seem to be intelligent, articulate people, but hide the state of their homes from people. Yep, that too. And that their hoarding is often some kind of grief reaction to an early trauma. Could that be what's wrong with me? Because the block is really quite severe. I tell myself, in my mother's helpful voice, "Just do one box per night". Break it down into small parts. I have a row of empty file cabinets - lovely file cabinets - just waiting to receive all the stuff that's left. I can't even start. I set whole weekends aside, week after week after week, I give myself deadlines like on my anniversary of moving here (Oct 26) I will have it all done and have a party, and then I just sit there.

I could almost have started at about 8pm tonight. Well, 9, because the vampire show was on HBO. And a thought occurred to me that has occurred to me in the past. It takes me until Sunday night to put my personality back together, and then it's Monday and I have to start all over again.

Pray for me. I know I'm just blocked. Surely a smart girl can make a plan and get out of this paralysed hell that I am in? Or am I making too big a deal of it all?