To Do's and Decisions

Another Saturday and the molasses is starting to take hold of me.

I slept until I woke up, which turned out to be 11. I was having big, complicated leadership dreams I think, because when I did get out of bed to brush my teeth I was having a huge argument in my head with the Messaging Services team at work because two important emails I require with the assets for two different projects, despite being sent three times, did not come through, for no good reason, and even though I raised two job tickets yesterday and they promise a response in four hours, no one called me back at all. So I think in my dreams I was a manager in charge of some complicated projects.

Had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, and scrambled eggs and toast for lunch just now - it's 1:45. I've been reading articles in a new New Yorker which has been making me feel smart and learned. I was reading some reviews in the review section and the writers compared the works under review with other famous works and authors, and while for some of them I wasn't deeply acquainted with the references, I knew them and so felt tapped in and intellectual. But in doing this I have been sitting perfectly still on the main chair in my living room, which is starting to feel like the captain's chair on the bridge of a spaceship - it's the only place to sit to eat any meals, so there are some tea towels permanently on the coffee table to use as a placemat, and it's the key place to watch TV from, so the remote is at hand, and it's where I practice guitar so the guitar is on a stand just to the side, and the amp with the headphones plugged in, and the music is spread out all over the table on top of the placemats (actually for the scrambled egg lunch I just put the New Yorker down on top of the guitar music to form both a new placemat and the thing I was reading while eating - sedimentary layers of leisure activities that all take place in this one chair).

When I first got up and was Facebooking and whatever, the thought did occur to me of just getting dressed and going out of the house like I do on a workday, with streamlined efficiency of actions and purpose. And the thought made me resentful and tired. So no, no pressure to Go Out and Do Things. Which leaves Staying In and Doing The In Things.

What I have been doing, per above, are things that are creative or smart or sort of stimulating of the brain in other ways. What I'm supposed to be doing is cleaning the bathrooms and doing dishes and laundry and then maybe getting on to the boxes and finances and longer-term projects. These are not creative or intellectually stimulating or brain-tickling things in any way. So I'm avoiding them, sitting in the command chair and doing everything else, but I'm feeling guilty. It's a standoff.

My home-based To Do list is like a horrible roommate who I don't get along with, but we're stuck together. I'm not going to move out because my name is on the lease, damn it, but they can't move out because they just lost their job and the car is broken down, and they thought they had a line on a place with their buddy who is coming back from Thailand, but he has ended up somehow taking a side trip through Burma, sorry Myanmar, and there's been no emails or postcards for a few weeks, so, you know, it's not clear when he's thinking of coming back, but once he is, you know, that room should be there and I can move out then, buddy, but in the meantime can I have 40 bucks to pay the late fees at the video store? I used your card, you know, and now they're saying we can't check anything else out. Sorry, man. This horrible roommate is always just here, here, here, a lump in the corner of the living room, taking up psychic space and preventing me from getting on with my life. I sit in the living room to assert my right to be there, agitated, fixated on them to the point where I can't get on with my own stuff, but unable to negotiate or take any action. I can't do anything but be aware of them and fume. Roommate standoff.

One day I'll be more macro-organized and the baseline of my place to live will be such that I can focus on the surface stuff and the infrastructure will be taken care of. But for this weekend, should I not worry about the house, and just focus on having enriching and creative mental experiences? Or should I go out and live in the world? Or what?

p.s. Family mantra, expressing I'm sure the root of this problem: "Don't let the Gemini get bored."