Pre-winter

Most of the leaves are off the trees now, so where there was orange and red and glowing yellow there are the grey stands of the bare branches that are with us for most of the year.

When I leave work in the morning, if the day going to be nice, the sky is all baby blues and pinks. The field across the road is still arranged in lovely stripes, but now they are soft and muted colors, and very early in the morning they're frosted in white. (frosted in...frost. What a poet I can be sometimes, hey?).

Except this morning it was raining, and so it stayed dark all day. Out that window that you can always see out of on my floor, the guy next to Craig who works in some different department so I don't know his name who keeps his door open so you can see out through his office, the sky was dark grey and the trees were black against it and at noon it didn't even look like daytime. Outside the rain was falling in drops but leaving a surround of mist, and the streets were black and slick as running oil, and I kept pulling out in front of people too fast when I was driving, forgetting that everything is different now it's cold, and Wisconsin people should turn overnight from aggressive, reckless hoons to sensible precise and human bearers of responsibility.

***

The other night I dreamt I had a baby girl. She was lovely, pink skin and a little round face and quite a bit of hair, although not long, and just my color. I held her on my hip. I was going around, maybe it was work or shopping? I showed her to people and bragged that she was only born yesterday, and look. She held a book in her hands, and she could talk and say fairly big words. She was very still, and she was very good. I think I even told people that, "She's a very good baby." My heart overflowed with love and pride. I named her - it occurred to me that it was strange that I'd forgotten to name her until her second day, but the name just came to me and I knew it was hers - Emma. She had a pink dress on. She sat very still and concentrated, and was very beautiful and good and just fit on my hip while I went around. Another woman was there - someone I know at work who's a single Mom and regales me with endless stories about her daughter. I felt a real connection - I had a daughter now too. I think I was hoping she would help me. Then we were about to leave, to go someplace, we were getting coats on and getting ready to get in the car. And Emma was suddenly hungry. She was moving, she was agitated. I think she might have grabbed for the breast of my friend, the way babies can do, primitive and not knowing. I thought, "Well, baby, no, you do what we do, and we're not eating now, we're going - you can eat later when we're there." I had her in my arms, but she thrashed her body over away from me, and I marvelled at her strength, and thought, oh, maybe this won't be so easy after all.

It was one of those dreams where the feeling stayed with me all day.