other transformations

The country changed on Tuesday night, history changed, the future changed. Hope won, people cheered, women wept for joy, our candidate kept his cool and seemed ready for the job ahead.

And also, the whole outlook at work changed. When I heard the first proposal of what they planned to do with us, I recoiled. I didn't like it at all. I started exploration and laying groundwork and barracking for other options, right away, and have kept at it. Fortunately, I had also done a few basic things that brought me to the attention of respected senior management before that - just easy things really, I took control of a conversation, explained things clearly, whacked a few graphs up, and let it show that I think my job is really cool (was), and that was so unusual and unique that I busted through and looked like a rock star.

So, this week, one of my colleagues was in despair and howling that the senior manager who will decide our fates keeps canceling her meeting with him. And I had one that she set, on my calendar, and it stayed. She wanted to talk to me. It turns out everyone listened. They realized the original new plan had some important gaps, and I was able to articulate clearly enough what those were and what I wanted to do to fill them that it looks like they created a position just for me. And I even asked out loud if I had competition for it - the end of the sentence was "then I'd be happy to speak to my qualifications" - but I didn't have to finish my sentence, the job is earmarked for me. And then also I had been jumping up and down and expressing zeal about an organizational change that ought to happen, that did happen a few weeks ago, a whole department reporting up through a whole different part of the business, and so she asked me to comment on the ideal way that all our departments should work together. Like, "Okay, enthusiasm-girl, you're in charge, people's lives and jobs are at stake, you do some research and tell me how to do this." Eep! I sent out about seven emails in about an hour trying to drum up contacts and people to talk to. While seeming low-key because the rest of my department doesn't know I have this assignment and it's not a big deal. But eep! This is how senior managers have to work. This is how you do strategy and business direction, and also, by the way, how a smart girl makes things happen.

So now I'm a bit freaked out. Here are the things freaking me out. No, wait, first here are the things not freaking me out so we can put this in perspective.
- I am smart enough to do this more senior job they want to give me
- I can think clearly and sort through confusion
- I can get different sides to agree, I can formulate and then execute solutions or enthuse other people to want to execute them
- I am really good at my job
- I have more knowledge of my subject area than any other human person who works in that building, maybe any other of the 5000 employees who work in this town, including all my peers, who have up to 15 years seniority on me with the company
- I have life and world experience that also make me perfectly qualified
- I have good judgement and the strength of character to work at a senior level

So here are the things worrying me:
- I'm still trying to grow my hair out so it's a bit of a mess, plus it got humid just this week so it's all fuzzy as well as in my eyes and I don't have the right product. Q: Should I cut my hair back into a Senior VP-style Execu-Bob? (aux. q's: Should I start using a hair straightener, should I colour my hair so it looks redder and deeper and shinier, do I have enough grey yet that it would be a good idea?)
- I've been using the big-girl makeup for a while now, but is the under-eye-circle-covering-stuff right, does it cake up and show, is it a shade of yellow that doesn't match my face, do people talk about me when I'm not there as "yellow-cake-eye" and then snicker?
- My most recent trainer left me to go out on his own and he's a bit crazy so I haven't returned his calls but I don't have a trainer now and I'm not being disciplined about going to the gym. When I was with him, granted I was dizzy and trashed all day and sore for the next 2 or 3, but I felt strong, and I was starting to have a firmish body, firmisher than it is now. Two weeks and I've puffed out again, lost strength and stamina, and am sliding backwards rather than going forwards. This crazy trainer would cost lots of extra money. The work gym is free, the other gym is already paid for. With this last one I could feel the feeling of taking it more seriously and being an athlete. Never felt that ever in my life before, but I knew it was possible with hard work. Do I want to commit? Do I want to do what it takes to make that happen? Or because my job requires charm and my brain, should I keep this middling-level of fitness and make it a secondary priority and concentrate on being rested and not dizzy and not sore, at work?
- Hair question and exercise question are really this question - do I need to put lots of effort into being a traditionally attractive female, i.e. to try to be as extremely sexy as I can be? Which has two subcomponents - is this what it will take to get a new boyfriend, esp. since I'm becoming an old woman, and then, is this how senior executive women are?
- But then, I felt completely myself in the meeting with the VP when talking about the new department and the special project. I realized that when I'm enthusiastic about something it just takes over and I burble over and just am what I am, in the moment. "I can tell you have a passion for that area," she said to me but others say to me all the time. Should I just be me, with hair a mess and lumpy elderly body, and frumpy clothes? (I ordered some non-frumpy clothes online just tonight, so steps are being taken there). Will I be able to rise up and do this more senior job properly (my direct manager said today, about his endorsement of me in this new role, "This is going to have a really high level of visibility." I want to make him proud, I want the poise and image of a senior enough person to make them not doubt giving this gig to me.) "Dress for the job you want," they say. Do I need to smarten up?
- If I get one of these senior jobs - and I'm probably making too big a deal about it, it's not like I'm going to do investor calls or anything - but if I get one, they were created for men who have wives who stay at home. I got nobody at home. I don't even have a friend in town. I would love to have someone close - an intimate, either friend or partner - who I could come home and let my guard down with, but also to help me think these things through. I don't have one of them so I talk to you.

My fantasy is, on days like this trying to process news like this, to call someone on the mobile while walking to the car, saying, "Oh my god, meet me for a beer right now." And then, "So, they think I can do it!" And the intimate says "Of course you can! I know you can!" And I say, "So, seriously, do you think I need the executive hair cut?" and she/he will say, "You always look just fine when you go to work. You're beautiful." And I could ask, "Should I call the crazy trainer back, or get a new trainer at the other gym, or just try to go at work on my own," and the intimate would say, "That's really up to you. Why do you just try (whichever one I seem to be leaning towards)? Try it and see how it goes, you can tell me about it next time we have a beer." "Which is like every week! I'm going to need you as a sounding board even more now, getting used to this new position, and just trying to keep my head around it." And the intimate would just smile, she would raise her glass and have a drink. Or if a he, he would lean over and give me a reassuring kiss.

Well, I have both a devoted boyfriend and a BFF in my head, anyway. That will have to do for the short term, here. Hope somebody's home to call on the weekend, or online to IM with.