A Certain Impatience

Okay, first of all, disclaimer, many things are going well, my week has been full of texture and clarity and not so much stressiness and despair. So, hands up for goodness for all of that, and I am grateful for it.

But still, right now, I fell a certain impatience.

I wish I was already an important member of the Art Center. I wish I already knew the folks in this town and their histories. I wish I was already fit and a recreational weight lifter. I wish I had already adjusted my diet and was the right percentage of fat and muscle.

I wish I already had a best friend here who speaks my language and understands me as my whole self, all my different selves, so I can just speak in my own language and not have to translate or edit and he understands everything, and I him.

I wish I already had tables, outdoor furniture, a little outdoor table, filing cabinets, an iron, a vacuum cleaner, a little writing desk. I wish I had already had many people over for dinner to use all that furniture. I wish my house was already warmed.

I wish my stupid taxes were done and that the dishes in the sink had already gone through the dishwasher and dried and had been put away in the cupboard, ready to use. I wish my oil was changed, teeth cleaned, eyes checked. Hair already grown out. I wish I had a hair straightener to try and experiment with that I could then give back with no penalty.

I wish my July paycheck was already in the bank.

I don't know who my boss will be - as of Tuesday next week I will have no boss.

I wish I knew how hot it was going to get.

I wish I had someone who would just call me - "Where are you? Okay, well, I'm here, so I'll see you there in a bit, and then we'll go the other place and then home, okay?" Those kind of conversations. So I had to remember to turn my phone off in public places so as not to disturb anyone, because otherwise they would have called me ten times.

I wish I'd already read certain books.

I wish I'd already figured most of it out, and made peace with it.

Tonight I'm feeling a certain impatience.