What's My Age Again?

I'm having some issues about my age. You know what it is, because you can see my profile - I'm 44 years old, turning 45 in June, which is not that long from now.

In Sydney I could pass for much younger, early 30's easy. The move, though, has aged me, I think, and now I don't know what I pass for because I haven't asked anyone. But looking around work and gradually finding out how old everyone else is, I'm as old as the ones who look old. But I come across, I think (although maybe I'm kidding myself) as the same as the young recent MBAs and folks who've been there ten years because they started straight out of college and now have little kids, the people on the first step of their major career path.

Career path-wise I did get behind because I stayed in college until I was 28, I remember feeling that when I was 37 I only had about 5-6 years of real work experience. Actually, that's true if you count academia as the sheltered workshop it is, or a continuation of the post-grad non-"real world" experience. On those rules, I have - how many now - ten years of experience, which in fact puts me at par with the people in their early-30's. So, I'm at that kind of level, and I still have that kind of look, but I'm much older in fact.

The signs of aging that have shown up recently and are freaking me out:

- my bathroom light hits the top of my head just so and highlights all the grey hairs near the part. I couldn't even get distinguished, interesting grey hairs at the temples, they're just shot through the top visible layer and makes the whole look dull and a bit dirty.

- I have to hold the fine print a bit farther away to read it - maps, CD covers, telephone book, menus. This really did just happen, and my traditional problem is that I can't see in the distance, so my first pair of glasses (not first, but first that I actually wear) are going to be bi-focals.

- I have recurring problems with my neck because of all the computer use, and in order to see someone about it here I had to have a neck X-ray, and the report back was "a bit of degenerative joint disease, so that's a bit of arthritis, nothing to worry about". Degenerative joint disease, according to WebMD, is normal wear and tear that happens over time. It's nothing to worry about, but it's worrying me.

- And then, as a secondary effect of this latest neck episode, I'm having trouble with the joints in the little and ring fingers on my left hand. When I lay down, when I sleep, the joints go all clicky and my hand won't work properly. This is really putting a crimp in my plan to have knitting, or rather "knitting with excellence", as my main self-defining activity outside of work. Rheumatoid arthritis (the one you really do have to worry about) runs in my family, along the same genetic line as a digestive issue I had when I was in my 20's, and so I know I'm doomed, I know I'll get it. That's the version that makes old ladies' joints swell up into balls and hands stiffen into unusable claws. All the Art Gallery ladies in Sydney had at least one joint that had swollen up into a ball and didn't work well any more. Many of the patrons who handed me cash to come see the shows at the Art Gallery had hands like that, hands that couldn't grip the change. That's gonna be me, I know it. It has started. So how can I at this stage take up knitting as a passion and mode of excellence? Much less start my electric guitar playing. Is it too late for me, those kind of opportunities? Probably not, people overcome arthritis, but I feel like I need someone to manage it for me.

- I don't have the stamina that I used to. I can't push through and work late, I can't manage the late nights that well. This decreases linearly, I think, I remember noticing it before.

Why do I have such issues with being 44? Why do I want no one to find out? When they do find out, I think I'll get credit for looking great for my age, but do I also miss out on a bit of gravitas, the type the ladies of Senior Management have?

And I know that I have issues with myself as a desirable partner for some guy. I want to get out there and play amongst it like I was 25 or 30 again. But I get none of that kind of attention, and if I did I would feel like I'd have to give full disclosure - "No, buddy, I know you're thinking of me as a potential girlfriend, but I have to tell you, there's no way in the world I could ever get pregnant, my doctor has reminded me of that every visit lately, so if you're thinking of the kid thing you'll have to pick someone else. And I don't have the stamina I used to, and my hands are freezing up into claw-like balls so I won't be able to play in your band, and the hair, the skin, the eyes, they're all starting to betray me, I'm soon going to look like the lady in knitting class last night who announced her age and described her issues with getting trifocals. And I will betray myself with talk of music, and college radio, and technology - what I used to write papers on in college (typewriter), what I was doing when I bought my first CD player (29 years old and moving to Australia for my first teaching job), how old I was when MTV launched (it was the year I graduated from high school) - and also with talk of politics, who was president when, and with my general life knowledge, because you don't get this old without figuring a few things out, and you probably haven't gone through certain of those stages yet."

I want to pretend to be 33 to be attractive and for it to be appropriate to hang out with the 25 year olds as a peer and not a member of the older generation, and also I should pretend to be 33 so that my level of career advancement doesn't seem retarded, but I actually am 44 and it comes out, and also I suppose I do want to claim the advantages of gravitas and knowledge and life experience that it does bring.

I wish I had someone here I could ask about these things - how old are you, how old do I seem, how am I supposed to act at this age. Oh, yes, and I'm single, with no prospects, and no kids, and I don't know what that script is like - what am I supposed to be doing? I still really am without a narrative, without specific goals, without an idea of a future. The now is cool, but how to go forward, and how much to flash my ID while I do it?