Interesting things flowing

So, I've been playing with Salem Tarot again lately, the Free 3 Card Reading. I played with it several times over this past cyber-weekend asked it once about my health and once I think about boys or meeting people.

The cards for the Past and the Present keep being cards about journeys being completed, accomplishments accomplished, balance restored, satisfaction, stability, tranquility. Well, yeah, I guess so. I made it here. My journey is complete. So different from when I used to ask the 3 Card Reading things when I was in Sydney, then it was always past hurt, recent trauma, wounded hearts, etc. Not that I believe in any of this, mind you. I know it's just a random number generator. I know that.

The card for the Future the first time I played with the reader this past few days, the theme that was going to get me forward into my future was "Mastery". Isn't that a lovely word? I've been watching so incredibly much reality TV that I'm already in mind of people working hard to transform themselves and achieve their goals, and become better people (Biggest Loser, Flip That House, America's Next Top Model, Miss America Reality Check, the list goes on and on). (There is a writer's strike on at the moment, you know?) (I mean, it isn't just me, all of the US is hooked on reality TV because it's all that's on.) (They're predicting the new season of Idol is going to absolutely go through the roof, I heard that from the Media guy at work.). I don't mind focusing on Mastery for the time being, here. Dedicating myself to what I do best, to my craft, to excellence, to making sure I take care and do things with care and mindfulness and work hard and strive to do my best. Don't mind doing that for a little bit here, not at all.

The second time I played with the reader the Future card was The Star. The star has a picture of a star (duh) and then a lovely lady kneeling by the water. Here's what it says:

"a beautiful woman kneels with one knee on land and one foot on the water. With a jug in each hand, she pours water into both. She is taking inspiration from her creative, intuitive side (water), applying it to her surroundings and daily life (earth), and using the power it gives her to replenish the source of her creativity (water), making a complete cycle. In essence, she is healing herself with water, the source of all life."

And the advice of this card is this:

"It is time for you to pursue your dream. Go to the source within your mind and heart, and replenish yourself by freeing your spirit. Allow your true self to shine through. Immerse yourself in the things that bring you joy, and inner peace."

The water image has really stuck with me. Combined with "mastery", it is giving me a sense of excellence and my best self, flowing through me. I could already feel it when I woke up this morning - a confidence, a lack of panic, a comfortableness, a belief in myself (went away soon enough, the drive to work in the snow was terrifying as usual and I also was petrified I was going to be late for a meeting and stressed all day about the things I'm not getting done). I've been kind of in the habit of being afraid and sorry for myself, but this morning I could feel that going away.

And the most important thing, which is just a subtle suggestion of a feeling so far but I think is going to be growing into something more important - I can feel the damage to my personality that was done from being in customer service for two years going brittle and flaking off, and beneath it is a robust and richer personality of a real grown-up person. I can feel the "polite" agreeable person that I built to be the customer service person, she has kind of a girly fake smile, she tilts her head at new people and says, "How are yew?" in a high-pitched voice. She squinches up her eyes and her mouth smiles like it's stuck onto the outside of the front of her face. Her eyes and mouth hurt by the end of the day from all the squinching and "How are yew?" ing.

That girl is flaking off, and inside the real girl, the ME, water is flowing. The Ellen is balanced, black and white, reason and emotion, science and art, here at the destination of her journey, and so she can put one knee on land and one foot in water and have the water of her personality flow back and forth and restore her creative, emotional self.

It's only just started, but I can already feel it. I think my voice is going to get deeper. I think my facial expressions might be more genuine. I will stand balanced on this Wisconsin ground and let my truth flow through me and be what I will become.

Don't let me forget.