Victory - being ready

Today I got another foil star on the calendar because I actually made it to the gym, and did (plus or minus) everything I intended to. See? I don't need a trainer, I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.

It was nearly another day of failure, I was supposed to get up at 5 and go before work but couldn't sleep at all last night, was up basically until 2, so 5 wasn't going to work. But I remembered to take all my stuff and I ended up going after work, which was actually perfectly fine.

(I've had two occasions of getting myself to do unwanted things, two occasions on successive days, and I'm trying to observe what goes on in me during these times, the psychological phenomena that traditionally lead to a block. It's usually after work, sometimes after something else too, and the alternative is to head home, cuddle up on the couch, do something brainless like watch tv or knit or both. The feeling that blocks me from doing horrible unwanted things like go to the grocery store or to the gym is associated with a desire for a hug. I think I get blocked when I feel like I've suffered enough and need some love and cuddling (safety, protection, nurturing) instead, and also some pleasure and some entertainment. What I'm trying to do is convince myself that I can love myself, while doing the hard thing - treat myself lovingly and protectingly while grocery shopping, or while at the gym. I observed myself on the mat once I was finally at the gym, and thought, "See, this is me, here, here I am now, and this is fun, right? We like this, we're having fun, right?")

Going to the gym regularly is going to get my body in shape that I would be ready for a physical challenge should it come up. I could run up the stairs between 3rd floor and 5th floor at work (not being able to do that is what sent me to the gym in the first place last April). I could lift a heavy thing. I could shovel, or push a car out of the snow, or spend a whole day skiing hard. I would be ready, I wouldn't be scared, it would be just something I would rise to and do.

And another thing that felt like that - last night I went to a meeting of a Poetry group. I'd been once before but not for a while, and I'm hoping to attend more often. But they are all kind of real poets, with like published books and huge sheafs of works and that kind of thing. I'm not a poet at all, I'm a blogger. But I thought I would push the envelope a bit and take some blog entries. As it turns out, there were more listeners than readers during the open-mic section of the evening, and so it was easy to just skip reading, so I chickened out. But I didn't need to have - listening to the other poets, I knew that my stuff was perfectly good enough to stand along side theirs. It's even Wisconsiny - I had brought a few pieces that dealt mainly with descriptions of the weather ("Online too much?", "Pre-winter" and the Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder Springtime Haiku). I had a look at them after the meeting and though, yeah, those are perfectly well good enough, they stand along side the stuff the proper writers were reading, and I'll bet they would like to hear them. And also, I realized that my writing this dumb blog and through the happy accident that every once in a while I have an observation I write down that goes all profoundish or pastoral or whatever, just by spilling out this blog as I can't even help but doing, I've now got a large body of words that I can draw from, take the best bits out, print them up and take them to the poetry group the twice a month that it meets, and I have a body of perfectly good enough stuff to read out loud to them. That's a good feeling.

And at work I'm trying to cultivate this feeling as well. I've been there a whole year now, so the first year trepidations and panic and insecurity are gone. People say positive things about what I do, I've been given some new opportunities, I can proceed with a bit of confidence and security now. Touch wood. But also, you know, I haven't had a boss since July. I still don't have a boss, I'm temporarily reporting to the Senior VP of the whole division until they can work out a home for me. The whole organization is being restructured and no one knows what anyone is supposed to be doing. So, all that worry I felt every morning for my first 12 months about every little task or project, all that anxiety about the details and things left undone and unpromptly, that should all actually really go away now. The whole organization is being evaluated in such broad strokes that the little things aren't even being observed. And my new job is not tactical and executional and "in the weeds" as they say there, it's more strategic and consultative. And I can do that. I have lots of skill and expertise, and ability to communicate and explain things to people and teach them, and I have creativity and vision, and I care, and all of those things are just like having a huge body of blog entries that I could draw from and print out and read, or just like a basic level of physical fitness. I can relax, because I am ready.

Perhaps this is the up-side of being 45, nearly 46.