Pyjama Saturday

Today I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon. That's 9 1/2 hours later than I usually wake up - more than a whole night's sleep. I didn't even roll over much before waking up. And I dreamed lots of dreams.

For my day, I did laundry, practiced the songs I know on the guitar (the ADE songs - Louie Louie, Wild Thing and Blitzkrieg Bop - and the new GCD7 one, I Fought The Law), and then knitted on my Bonnie scarf. I watched 4 or 5 episodes of Weeds but feel like waiting before I watch the last one, because that's it for my DVDs, Season 4 is only available on Showtime which doesn't come in properly on my TV. I am between books to read. I also did the dishes. But for my meals, had a bowl of cereal for whatever the first meal was, at 3pm, and a frozen black-bean and corn chip casserole and Tofutti ice cream bar for dinner.

I am so behind at work it would take weeks to get everything done. I have still not finished my taxes. I have still not unpacked all the boxes. I'm supposed to do a run to Rice Lake with my cousin next weekend to pick up some furniture, and I have not done any planning. I don't know how much money I have because I haven't checked my accounts since I got paid last. I don't have an amp yet. I have not talked to anyone but my already committed family about why they should vote for Barack Obama, and there's less than 60 days until the election.

Because of all the uncertainly around me, I'm finding it hard to do any of these things, or any other thing for that matter. Work is restructuring, and I got the broad outlines on Friday, and I think I prefer Plan B, about which I've already made some inquiries, but there's not enough information to make a decision, and there may not be before a decision has to be made. Was moving here a mistake in the first place? I miss Sydney sometimes, and I definitely miss my old job, I knew even when I left it that it was the best job I ever had or would have, and I would never find one as fun and challenging or such a good fit. I had my crap days, sure, and the boss could be impossible in his way, but when I talk to him on the phone now I ache with missingness. So. Maybe not a mistake, but certainly some goodness left behind.

And I don't know if I want the job my job is going to evolve into because what I wanted was my job that I had when I got here, with that boss and that set of responsibilities. I was working really hard all year to put things in place to correct some old mistakes, build some new systems, shore up the foundation so that next year I could start to take it to the level where it should all be. I had two associate brand managers who cared about those websites and the projects we wanted to enact. Now both of them have been transitioned to new roles, and the new ones don't care yet, aren't yet up to speed about where we are much less where we should take things. There is not enough internet expertise in the organization, and I don't know how they expect to do anything world-class in the new structure.

So I feel disgruntled. Unmotivated. Tired. A little trapped. Not quite in despair, I guess I know better than to despair. But certainly not excited to exist, just this very weekend. Why did all the things I liked and was perfectly happy with get taken away from me? Why do all the new things I newly like seem so far away?