chucking a sickie

My angsty work situation has been making me feel both wound up in a firily outspoken panic and like I have a big hollow dark place inside where the job I loved used to be. Everyone else is stressed too, and reacting in different ways, so meetings have been a bit emotionally taxing. Morale is down, so productivity is falling as well. I've been having trouble concentrating and getting things done. And yesterday really did feel like I couldn't do it any more, and so stayed home today and just did the barest minimum. (Probably about three hours in total, including two conference calls, so that's pretty lots for what is technically a sick day, right?) I did in fact feel like I was getting a cold when I got up, in fact kept turning the alarm off so would have been massively late anyway. I think it was the right thing to do.

I talked to my sister this evening and she gave me some ways to feel better - first, do some lateral-thinking type research about what other jobs are out there ("What are they up to at NASA?...") so I realize I have options. Then, make sure I realize that they don't have power over me, and try not to react to things out of job-fear. Then, just do my job, even if I don't care about it. The things will get done, and that will make me feel more in control. Plus, I've been noticing that I am happier when I'm actually doing my job rather than worrying and strategizing and politicking and trying to find information. Just lay l0w for a while and get on with things.

And I should keep in mind the things outside work that are actually more important to me and closer to the core of my identity. The guitar playing (first lesson tomorrow!). Rock and roll generally. The narrative project - haven't even thought a thought about that for weeks now. Scrabbling some poems together so I can go to the poetry group. And trying to establish a Philorum, even if it turns out to be for a short while.

I should keep in my mind images of:
- Downtown College Ave with the brick buildings and twinkly blue lights
- My lovely Fender with the tobacco sunburst finish
- My nice red couch and living room furniture, and the Mission style bungalow that I will one day put it in
- The barns all around here, and how short a distance you have to drive to be amongst them and see them
- All the things there are to write - not just this blog, other things