Sunday

Today I went for a little stroll around the lake (after 3 weeks, 40 degrees is starting to feel warm!). When you walk by the geese, they casually turn their backs, en masse, and start heading the opposite way across the lake. Like people trying to avoid you at a party.

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Yesterday I spent the afternoon doing fun things you can't do on Sunday (perhaps a bad idea in retrospect, because my plan today was to drive to Green Bay and shop for a car, but who knew the fucking car yards aren't open on Sundays?). I hit the History Museum first, then the Copper Rock (couldn't resist the Chai and Scone snack, although I did get a bit over-sugared from it), then the Harmony where a rock band was setting up and had set off the smoke alarm with their smoke machine. Then I went over to the mall to look for wintery things. I had to buy - no, wanted to buy - a present for my cousin, some little crystal turkey-shaped candle holders and candles in autumn colours, for the table at Thanksgiving. I went past Christopher Banks and was transfixed by a green sweater with snowmen on it. The thought process went - "Holly at work wears sweaters with figures on them. That one's so cute, but I would never wear something like that. Mom would. Wait, Mom would! I should get that for Mom." So I did. It wasn't very expensive, and it's kind of a weird fabric so I hope it's comfortable, but I'm happy to buy her a present just because.

So with the presents I had to get wrapping paper, and I went over to the Hallmark shop. They have Christmas stuff up, and had penguins everywhere, stuffed penguins and penguin toys, just impossibly cute. I was so filled with holiday cheer that I thought I'd burst.
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That was yesterday. Today was the first little emotional rough patch. It's understandable, I was rather worked up about the car shopping, and then when it turned out they aren't even open on Sunday, naturally I felt disappointed and stupid and frustrated. I did get my house amazingly clean, but I didn't get one single bit closer to car ownership (I have a plan, though, which I will enact tomorrow). I ended up going to a movie - American Gangster. My verdict - not bad, but if you want to see Russell Crowe in a police procedural, LA Confidential was miles better. He was great, convincingly playing about 25 years old, and when you think of what else he's done he just effortlessly inhabited the character. Denzel was good, and the scenes with them together were great. Denzel came on fire and you could tell he enjoyed working with Rusty, but that was a total of like 30 seconds of the movie. Throughout, the scenes were too short, the framing was too close up to everyone and the cuts too fast, and the main deficiency was character development. So, see LA Confidential instead.

When I came out of the movie it was dark, dark, dark. I had no particular plan, just some things to get at Target, and the grocery store. So that's what I did, and came home after that. But I was fighting some pain while I did it. It was Sunday evening, I'm in Wisconsin of all places, and I don't know anyone. I have all the setting up yet to do. I was feeling a bit of emotional pain.

(It did get fixed when I talked to Mom and Dad, who are in the state! And then A. called me with his big news. So right now, I feel pretty warm and loved, and also I'm happy with myself for writing this stuff while watching useless lifestyle television shows, rather than just watching tv.)

But during my attack I was feeling a bit of pain, which is the first time since arriving. I think the disappointment and frustration about the car shopping exposed a bit of rawness of nerve. I probably do have very low reserves to deal with any negative emotions that might come along.

And there was something else. Today the cold didn't feel as cold. The Target wasn't as baffling, and the grocery store is my grocery store. I can feel, start to feel, what it will be like when I get used to this place. I resisted that feeling. I don't want to let go of the weirdness, the limbo quality, the space alien experience of being new here, and brain damaged from the move and from jet lag. Maybe I'm liking the denuded purity of not having any stuff and not having any commitments besides keeping myself alive and to work and back.

I do love this landscape. The light was just gorgeous today, all day. On my walk around the lake I stopped at various points and just looked. Regardless the superstores, regardless the people, if the trees and the barns and the horizon embrace you, then you're safe. Then you're home.