Project

One of the things I do in this blog is write about relationships, so I'm going to do that now, except that some of the recent ones have this link and might read this. So, apologies in advance if this hurts anyone's feelings. I think everything I've worked out has been said directly to them, anyway, so it shouldn't contain any surprises or libelous things.

Recent experiences - three experiences - have brought me to the vow that I am now done with 40+ year old men. Really, really done with them. Something happens when men turn about 37 that they suddenly crave an exclusive life-partner. The ones who get to be 40+ seem to have a desperation about them that I don't remember from all those boys I pined for when we were all 25. Those boys back then didn't want to be tied down and could do once-off things and then never call you again, or go to one more movie but never make any sort of move to kiss you or stay over and you got the message loud and clear, that was it, I'm not your boyfriend, this is not going anywhere, move on from me. I remember lots and lots of those. What happened to those guys? 40+ guys come at your with powerful force, need all sorts of time and attention, assume that sex means you want to give all your time and attention to them, and get very hard to deal with when you try to put some distance back between you (not so much you R, I'm thinking more of E who was in Sydney). Actually, come to think of it, 25 year old women act very like that - they glom on, they assume boyfriend when really it was one night stand, they put all sorts of emotional pressure on guys who were just wanting to have a little fun. The 40+ guys probably encountered all sorts of women like this when they were 25 and not wanting to settle down, and now that they're 37+ and do want to settle down, they assume the system will all still work like it used to.

So did I, I guess, but somehow I have swapped personalities from a typical clingy 25 year old woman to a wanderlust-filled, afraid-of-commitment, not-wanting-to-be-tied-down callous 25 year old boy. And I assumed the boys were still the same and you could do one-off things but then at the one movie or whatever you do afterward when you meet up again you just put some distance there and not touch them again and they'd get the message, like I used to get the message, that that one night was all there was and thank you very much, it was fun, good luck with the rest of your life. Remember L.M. from grad school? It was all very lovely and uncomplicated. Made me feel very sexy and great and desirable, the one movie afterward made it clear that we had nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and that was that. Lovely memory, end of story.

However - this transformation of myself to one of those 25 year old guys might account for all the powerful crushes I've been getting on guys who are actually 25 years old right now.

And what I've worked out is that, as with every crush anyone ever had in history, what I'm really attracted to in them is some alienated part of myself. I don't want to marry D.C. and traipse around with him to Tokyo or Dubai, I don't want to hitch myself to the cute boy at work and support his projects and hang out with his underaged friends. I want to be them.

For once, finally, in my life, I can finally embrace this idea.

I had a narrow miss into obsessive and time-wasting crush by finding out that one of them is newly re-single.

But in the past few days I have rescued myself from this whole foolishness and I think it will actually end up benefiting the world, not just me. I realize how very, very much time I spend thinking about all these boys, the 40+ problematic ones and the 25ish intoxicating ones. Boys do not spend that much time thinking about relationships. They would be a fucking lot better at managing them if they did, but they don't. That's why men are able to accomplish so much - while the girl is sitting in the room replaying conversations and trying all sorts of phrasing for the things she wants to bring up, while she's waiting for emails and phone calls and composing replies to him that she doesn't send, while she's thinking about his projects and how to support them, he's just getting on with things - playing World of Warcraft, learning about particle physics, rewiring a server, rebuilding an old engine. If I could free up all this bandwidth in my mind, think of the things I could accomplish!

So, for the last few days, when I catch myself wasting bandwidth thinking about boys, I try to stop and turn my attention to my own projects. And in two short days I think I've actually come up with some really cool, rich, innovative things to pursue, that will tie together my English major and my Philosophy background and my interests in opera and film, and will be art but in a blend of genres, and could actually create something that might be of interest to the world.

More on that as it happens, but boys out there, the 40+ ones and the 25ish ones, goodbye, you're not going to occupy all my thoughts any more.