Nourishment

So I finally broke down and got a copy of "You Can Heal Your Life". My sister has a copy, given to her by a friend, and I always had her look up things in it for me but she's in Antarctica so I've been without it as a resource and finally broke down and got my own one. This book includes an extensive list of body parts, and the spiritual meaning behind an ailment in that part, and then a mantra you should say to heal yourself of that spiritual malaise represented in the physical one.

I don't believe any of this stuff, of course. But when you have strange, sudden things happen to one specific body part, especially when they're not very serious, you can't help but attach a metaphorical meaning to it. For example, a few weeks ago on a Monday I woke up and had burst a blood vessel in one eye. Half of the eye was filled with screamingly red blood. I looked it up on WebMD and found it was nothing serious, basically just a bruise, and I'd probably got it from itching my eyes from allergies, during the night. But it sure was striking, and caused alarm and concern in everyone with whom I made eye contact for a whole week. So, for that kind of thing, it's irresistable to look up what symbolical message the universe might be trying to send you through the affliction. ("Represents the capacity to see clearly - past, present and future," btw, and the mantra is "I see with love and joy.")

Another example - last week I was away at a conference, and one afternoon right after lunch starting feeling funny, and spent the next 24 hours lying in a hotel bed with a sudden and dramatic stomach flu. I recovered in one day so it was just a 24-hour bug or something I ate, but I was still a bit delicate the next few days, so when the book arrived I looked it up.

For "stomach" it said, "Holds nourishment. Digests ideas," and the mantra is "I digest life with ease." And for "stomach problems" it said, "Dread, Fear of the new. Inability to assimilate the new," and the mantra is "Life agrees with me. I assimilate the new every moment of every day. All is well." Apropos for someone going through transitioning as part of a departmental restructure, hm?

So this week when my stomach has clenched on the way to work, I have been trying to say "Life agrees with me. I digest life." And it sort of transmogrified in my mind to, "My life nourishes me." And that helped a lot - I had been arriving at work feeling a bit more like work was eating me alive, snacking on me, gaining nourishment from me. So when I remember that it's supposed to work the other way, it put me in a mood of gratitude and appreciation for all the lovely and enjoyable things I do have.

And then, today it took another step - in that grateful, year-end mood I did a quick musing reflection of things I have to be thankful for this year. What were the highlights, the things that would go in a Christmas letter were I to get organized enought to write one? The website redesign that was celebrated at a wrap-up meeting just today. Guitar playing, everything about it, my new love and grand passion of my life. What about emotions caused by boys? Some of the highest highs of the year were caused by one particular crush. Dizzying highs, euphorias that would last days on end. But do I celebrate that now, at year's end, now that he's gone?

It struck me quite clearly - no. Right here in this moment in time, now, I have nothing of benefit remaining from those very high feelings a few months ago.

That boy was a drug, but was not a food.

That crush provided me no lasting nourishment. And I wonder if this little observation is going to stay with me, and provide me with guidance to make some better relationship choices, in the New Year.