Favorites things are right here

So, I'm buying a house. It's in the neighborhood I had picked out as perfect right after moving here, and it's in the style I most associate with Wisconsin, and it's the only one I ever looked at, and it's perfect and a dream and it should be mine, touch wood, all things willing, by the end of this week.

I was describing its location to my cousin when she was visiting recently, and mentioning that I wasn't sure how I would give people directions to it when they were coming to see me. And she recommended that I direct them from a major north-south artery that runs the length of town to the closest side street, and just drive across, and that way they would avoid having to drive down College Avenue, which is the main drag of downtown. And when she said this my heart went, No! Because that drive down those last few blocks of College Ave., past the Art Center and City Center and the Starbucks and all the other cafe's, and the place I used to get my hair cut and the museum, and toward the University campus, that's one of my favorite drives in the whole world. Other people take the highway to get to where I'm living now but I always drive down College Ave., all the way, just so I can drive down those few blocks. Why would anyone ever drive so as to avoid them, when I go out of my way to experience them? And so I realized that those few blocks of College Ave. are in fact one of my favorite drives in the world, and guess what, they are right here, in this town. And close to my house! Or will be, as soon as it becomes my house.

When I was thinking about putting an offer in, I talked to a friend who lives in a house with his girlfriend, and when they were looking they viewed upwards of 50 properties, so the girlfriend knows the real estate ins and outs of every neighborhood in town. I asked him what they thought about the location and he mentioned the noise from the trains. The tracks run diagonally pretty much right through the center of town, right on the surface there at the same level as the roads. And the trains by law have to blow their whistle before every intersection. And those tracks run about two blocks away from the dream home, so I will hear those whistles, maybe in the middle of the night, maybe every night. But the sound of a train whistle is one of my favorite sounds on earth. I may have even mentioned it here. I can hear them faintly in my current place, and every time I hear that high lonesome sound it reminds me that I am back in the Midwest of my youth, and of my people, and it fills my heart with warmth. Train whistle sounds are one of my favorite sounds on earth, so it's not going to be any problem at all that I can hear them well, all the time, from my new house. As soon as it becomes my house.

Good things in strip malls

One thing you learn pretty quickly about this town is not to judge establishments by their exteriors. Three of the best restaurants I've been to in the last year or so have been in strip malls. Two of them were the hottest table in town and all the rage among everyone I knew. But they were all three in the most unassuming locations, just tucked into strip malls beside pet shops and payday loan companies and what have you (actually, not literally either of those but you know what I mean). And they were spectacular - perfectly great atmosphere inside, great food, mainly good service. You would never have picked them from just going past.

So much about this town is like that. You'd think given all the demographic statistics that the people here would be the most boring people on earth, and to have any sort of cultural or intellectual life you'd have to move away to a Big Cty on a Coast. But if you actually meet the people, you find the most interesting folks, with the most interesting pasts and biographies, and experiences and interests and capabilities. Can't judge them by their exteriors either.

Favorite scents

• Jasmine in bloom
• Hash browns cooking
• Snow at night, when the temperature is below freezing

(more to come)

Americana (abridged)

So when you fly from Appleton to Denver, the first things you see are small farms with one farm house and one barn each - perfect, quarter acre squares cut out of the landscape with roads between that run exactly north and south, and exactly east and west. This continues for hours, although you might go in and out of cloud cover, but when you emerge there it is again, that midwestern grid, all the way across the middle. Then, eventually, as you head west, you start to see the circles. They are bigger than the squares were, a whole acre each, perfect green circles and you can see along a radius the straight black irrigation pipes that define them, and brown bits at the corner before the next circle in the quilt. Then as you go further west there's more brown, and fewer circles, and some gentle undulations of the land but it's more barren and scrubby. And then just when you're sick of that, the captain announces your descent into Denver and asks you to fasten your seat belt and put your seat backs and tray tables into the locked position, and then if you're by the window you look out and see what seems like a line of low clouds defining the western horizon but as you get closer it's clear that it's snow at the top of the mountains, and when the plane swings around either to the right or to the left to approach the runways you see sun glint off the tall buildings downtown. You look out over it, that distinctive Colorado vegetation and the city and the peaks beyond, and wince with all those memories of being young and new and learning to drink and dance and all the rest of it, but as the plane taxis you look out over it, that brown scrubby landscape, and you’re reclaiming it and it’s yours.

Written after a flight in September as part of an email (thanks DJ for permission to reprint), abridged as above and read out to a poetry group tonight.

Possible Answers

No, never.
I'm flattered, but no, I don't think so.
Not right now.
Not right now but maybe later.
Maybe.
Let's see how things go.
Let's try it and see how things go.
Yes.
Yes, immediately.
Yes, I always have and always will forever.

Without condition

Knowing that there's someone out there who loves you, at all times, just as you are, is one of the chief comforts people get from religion.

Work not yellow enough

I attended a team-building session at work today that included a profile of my work style. In addition to descriptions of my strengths and weaknesses and preferred communication styles, there was a page that listed the features of Ellen's ideal work environment. Here's what it said that should include:

• Bright, motivational, inspirational posters and prints abound.
• She sees the impact and results of her efforts.
• The culture promotes a democratic management style.
• Information is openly and freely available and exchanged.
• There is ample opportunity to express ideas.
• The emphasis is on informality and tapping in to inner creativity.
• Her inspirational vision is nurtured.
• She has freedom from authority and bureaucracy.
• She can question the ruiles and the traditional ways of doing things.
• A flexible approach is taken to the specification of hours and days worked.

I'd say these are all true of me.

Not one - not ONE - applies to my current work situation.

(C) Copyright 1992-2009 Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland. All rights reserved. www.gatehousealliance.com

anti-viral

I hate this feeling, where you're not sure if you're getting a cold or if you're just finally staring clearly down the black gaping maw of pointlessness that is human existence.

I hope it's just a cold.

working my way around the karmic wheel

If it's true that in my past life I was Marilyn Monroe, then the thing I'm getting in this life that I would have wished for in that one is to be appreciated for my mind rather than my body.

The thing I haven't worked out which may mean I might need to go back and repeat the sequence a few more million times is that now I want to be appreciated for my body as well.

I'm still her inside, people! But now with a Ph.D.!

Sometimes I think I don't deserve you

Earlier this week I burned the roof of my mouth on some pizza, but now it is healed.

Thank you, life.

There will be a special place in hell for tailgaters.

She was driving to work on a rainy morning, another morning of another long day in a long week. Running late, again, but driving carefully to avoid slipping in the car into a ditch, because being late was not as bad as that would be.

Frowning, listening to the first track of the CD come round again, approaching the first roundabout. She glances up by rote into her rear view mirror, which is filled, absolutely filled, with the giant black menacing grille of an oversized black truck. She starts at the sensation of this evil-looking vehicle roaring down upon her. She startles herself by starting to cry. They are tears she remembers from being seven, ten, school yard tears, tears from a tired school girl who doesn't have the reserves to deal with a schoolyard bully.

She feels this and realizes she feels it all in a second, speeds up to accomodate the bully and soon he turns and is past, but the realization of it, the awareness of the vulnerability makes her even sadder. Tears roll down as she takes the on ramp and gets up to speed on the highway. She realizes that everyone her life lately is just like the driver of that black menacing truck. She thinks, how can I do this? She pulls off the highway, pulls into a spot at the side of a building, tissues, eye drops. Goes in, buys Advil, the woman behind the cash register is smiley and chatty and generously friendly. She smiles and chats back, blames her weepy eyes and red nose on allergies. "Oh, at least you're not sick! How many are out today, June? One, two, three...four, four people are out." Take care, they say to each other as exits and gets back on her way. She is gathered together. She has collected herself back into a grown up working person and driver. She can do this.

Rain

Drove home tonight in heavy rain. Coming down like stripes in the sky, great washes of water over the roads, hard to see the painted lines that divide the lanes.

It made me really happy. Somehow a heavy rain was just the right thing. Driving in the wash and release of it, it occurred to me that maybe it's been a long time since we had any rain. Somehow tonight it made me happy and was a good fit.

Would be Dandy

I'd grab a phone
Just to call you up and say,
Quit your job,
Cause I got it made.

Anytime,
Baby let's go.
Everyday should be a holiday.

Experiment 1 - musical craftsmanship

This week the thing I'll add is getting up early to play scales on the guitar.

BTW, we're considering last week as baseline, starting from after my parents left after their visit. Call that a 4/10.

New Testament Democracy

So did I mention I've been going to church? No, don't worry, I haven't given up my fundamental values and metaphysical beliefs, but it's looking like this will work, coming back to my childhood institution, as a way to connect to my community and be of some benefit to them.

Anyway, so the bit that made me think today was in the Lessons before the sermon. It's a passage from the book of Mark, and this quote is 10:42-44 (is that freaking you out, having Bible passages quoted by chapter and verse here? Well, bear with me, I'm still not sure where all this is going.) :

42Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."

I understand this to be about power relationships in a group of people. And it sounds good to me - that leaders must also serve, and members must also lead. I think that works for work teams, and for groups like churches, and also for giant things like democratic governments of powerful nations. I remember in the conversations before the last federal election in Australia a discussion about reclaiming the Left for Christian politicians - you don't have to be a family-values right wing (highly judgemental, hate-filled and divisive) Christian to be able to use your religious beliefs as a ground for your political service. New Testament Christians actually fit better with the principles of our democracy, that everyone is equally valuable and we should all do what we can to make sure every one of us is okay.

So, see, I already have the Lefty politics part of this, I already believe that stuff. I hope this helps make more sense of this recent strange turn of events in my life.

How could we be scientific about this?

Pre-experiment
Compile a list of hypotheses.
Rank them in terms of difficulty of implementation and estimate of potential benefit.
Lowest difficult + highest benefit is top priority, then descending from there.

Week 1 - Baseline
Do everything as you do.
At the end of the week assign a score out of 10.

Week 2 - Low Hanging Fruit
Implement just one change, the one that ranked highest of the priority score during the Pre-experiment phase.
At the end of this week assign a score out of 10.
- If higher than baseline, adopt change permanently.
- If lower than baseline, eliminate from list of options (optional - test NOT doing the thing as its own hypothesis on a different week, score again)
- If same as baseline, activity is optional hereon in.



So then the only question for me is, should this coming week be Baseline or Week 1?

I have wonderful friends

Another link, brought to my attention :-)

http://www.43folders.com/2009/08/04/enough

A quote:

"(M)ost people won’t notice if you don’t make something, and that a lot of people won’t particularly care if you do. But, how you choose to respond to that existential kōan will say a lot about your potential as both an artist and as an
engaged human.

Because, if you’re relieved that universal apathy provides legitimate cover for eight blissful hours of “managing email,” then you’re in luck. Every day for the rest of your life. Punch out.

But, if you’re like me, you may find you’re invigorated—even challenged—by all that bigger ambiguity. By knowing that, at any time, you might be seconds away from starting something amazing that seemed impossible a minute ago."

Little platitudelet from a self-help book I read a while ago

Bad things happen quickly, good things take a long time.

I'm thinking for example of a car accident (lives destroyed or ended altogether in a matter of seconds) vs. a really nice bottle of red wine (which can take years).

We can reverse it.

And another proactive message - this video posted by a Facebook friend.

The chair in the doorway

Another reference, from an interview in Guitar Player magazine with Vernon Reid from Living Color about the title of their new album, The Chair in the Doorway.

"It came out during the press we did for Collideoscope [their previous album]. Corey and I were in Paris waiting to do an interview and I said to him, 'You're always saying 'The chair's in the doorway.'' It's his way of saying there's a gorilla in the room...there's an obstruction there that no one's bothering to move. I love the title because it's both concrete and physical as something you envision but it's also abstract. A lot of the record talks about 'Why do we put up barriers in the way of our own progress?' and 'How do we get these things out of our way?'"

"Vernon Reid" by Anil Prasad, Guitar Player November 2009, page 31